As I’ve mentioned before, my wife and I have given presentations at a local parish to couples engaged to be married on the importance of communication. In piecing together research, tips, and tricks for that presentation, we found one piece of advice that — honestly — transformed my marriage and my outlook. I like to think I was a good husband before I heard that insight, but I feel even better having heard it and taken it to heart. And it ties into today’s reading from the First Letter of the Corinthians.
That first reading is all about love. It’s one of the most common readings to hear at Catholic weddings (and, I presume, other Christian ones), and it’s eminently quotable for a wedding day: “[I]f I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind.” (In the interest of brevity I just deleted quoting the rest of that section, but I love it so much.)
This passage goes on to describe how we go beyond “childish things” after growing to adulthood. It’s referring to the notion of how our perceptions on love, on what’s important, on the Truth of God’s plan as we grow with the Spirit.
But I’d argue we can — and should — continue to grow, throughout our lives. The “childish things” we appreciate when we’re two years old aren’t the same “childish things” we play with when we’re 12 or 15. Our sense of love evolves from when we’re four (“I love Mommy because she gives me stuff!”) to when we’re 18 (“I love my parents because I recognize how much they sacrificed for me”).
But it continues to grow, into our 20s and 30s: “I love my fiancé, because I love spending time with that person and I look forward to growing old together,” or “I love my children, and I hope I can become as good or better a parent to them as my parents were to me.” And beyond: “I love my community, and I hope to do what I can to bring the Kingdom of Heaven closer to Earth.” And, “I love God and hope to know and serve my Creator to the best of my ability.” And — toward the end of our lives — “I hope I’ve lived in a spirit of love, setting an example for future generations.”
But no matter how “evolved” our sense of love may develop, we know it will still pale in comparison to God’s divine presence, when we (hopefully) get to Heaven. It’s similar to human painting, which has evolved from crude cave drawings to the profile-only illustrations of the Egyptians to the strange colors of Van Gogh . . . all of them seeking to capture the human experience, all of them doing so in some small sliver but failing to grasp the entirety. So, too, is the glory of God’s pure, unfiltered love so much greater than even our greatest hopes and aspirations. Thus we will always have something to strive toward, to perfect, to continually grow beyond the “childish things” of our earlier knowledge of love. And this works both for our individual lives and for all of humanity.
So what was that insight that changed my marriage, that we share with engaged couples? It came from a researcher who interviewed hundreds of people in successful relationships. The researcher said the best advice he got was from a Georgia woman who’s been happily married for over 60 years. She said – after a moment’s thought – “Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.”
It transformed my marriage because it encapsulated and destroyed the fear that the mortal world puts into our relationships: Namely, that you don’t want to be taken advantage of by someone you claim to love. But “Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most” neatly expresses the idea that it doesn’t matter; if you put your all into the marriage, then you don’t need to worry that you haven’t done enough. And if you both approach your marriage unafraid to love the most, then that’s going to be an incredibly loving, supported marriage.
God isn’t afraid to love us the most; we have as much of God’s love and presence in our lives as we are willing to accept. But we also shouldn’t be afraid to love God to the best of our ability, either.
Think about the love you give and share in your own life. Is it “childish”? Is it jealous, pompous, rude, quick-tempered? Does it brood over injury or seek its own interests? Are you afraid to be the one who loves the most?
None of us are perfect, except the One whose love we most strive to emulate. We can all grow together in our love for each other, and for our perfect God.
Today’s readings: 1 Cor 12:31-13:13; Ps 33:2-5,12,22; Lk 7:31-35
