In the past, my wife and I have given a well-received presentation to couples preparing to get married in the Catholic Church (Pre-Cana, as it’s called) on the importance of communication. One lesson my wife and I have tried to impart is that it’s okay to have wants and needs. Marriage does not assure that your mate will be able to meet those needs, but it’s much more likely they will be able to do so if they actually know what you want.
One thing we don’t emphasize much in our discussion — we only have so much time, even in a 15-minute presentation — is that there’s an additional benefit of ongoing communication with one’s partner regarding one’s needs. Namely, that it offers the best chance for both of you to sort out what you really want. For example, if one partner wants to eat out all the time (even if the budget can’t really afford it), maybe what she really wants is not to worry about meals every night of the week. Understanding this, you can work together to make up batches of meals once a week, reducing meal time to tossing a prepared frozen dish in the microwave and waiting 10 minutes ’til dinner’s piping hot. Or if he wants to go to the movies all the time (which, again, may not be practical), maybe he just wants to spend time with the family enjoying a film in quiet . . . an experience that may be duplicated very affordably at home with a trip to the library to check out movie DVDs, a television and player, and drawn curtains for ambiance.
This came to mind today as I reflected on today’s readings. In the Gospel selection from Matthew, the mother of the sons of Zebedee asks for her sons to sit and the left and right sides of Jesus in the afterlife. (For those keeping track, the mother in question is Salome and the two sons were the Apostles John and James.) Jesus informs the brothers that — although they will drink the chalice that Jesus shall drink, as they admit their willingness to do — those thrones are not Christ’s to give, “but is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.”
The other Apostles were annoyed by this request, but Jesus took the opportunity to teach them a fundamental aspect of our faith: “[W]hoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave. Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” That one line is so crucial to the understanding of living as a Christian, we should be grateful for the seemingly impolite question!
But, reflecting back on the idea of having wants and needs, it’s interesting to ask: What wants and needs were John and James hoping to have fulfilled?
If it’s merely a reflection of earthly power, then there’s little more that needs to be said beyond Jesus’ rebuking of the idea of using the Kingdom of Heaven to lord over others.
But let’s be generous and say that wasn’t their full motivation. What, then, might they have been really asking for . . . and what did they end up receiving?
Well, what stems from what we think of as an earthly title?
Respect? Fame? Importance? John and James both gained that, in abundance. John has a Gospel that bears his name, while James has the distinction of being considered the first martyred Apostle. As two of the twelve selected by Christ, their names can’t help but be tied to the respect and importance of our Savior, until end times.
Power? Christ promised them the freedom from the clutches of death itself. Elsewhere, the Apostles were given the power to forgive sins, to prepare the way for those who would know the fruition of God’s plan. They did, indeed, receive power . . . the likes of which the world had never known! As as part of the communion of saints, they continue to wield power.
The ability to do good? Perhaps either or both of them felt that requesting such honored seats would give them a greater ability to guide the world. If so, I again note that John’s name is tied to one of the Gospels, as well as the three Epistles of John and the Book of Revelation. And, once more, James is the only Apostle whose martyred fate is recorded in the New Testament (Acts 12:1-2), setting an example that others of faith followed for centuries . . . and, really, continue to follow to this day. As Apostles, they were responsible for spreading the faith and — really — delivering souls to heaven. Quite literally, their job was to save the world. It’s hard to get much more affirmed in a desire to do good than that!
Because it sounds neat? I’ll be honest; if I were one of the 10 other Apostles, I’d probably kick myself if Jesus had taken them up on the offer, since I hadn’t thought to ask myself. They may not have known why they asked for such seats of power and honor, but hopefully the mere act of considering what they wanted and why enabled them to steel themselves, getting ready to devote their lives to God and — if needed — make ultimate sacrifices.
Consider your prayers, your hopes, your dreams. If you don’t already, talk about them with God. (I find Eucharistic Adoration particularly ideal for this.) Don’t just think about what you want, but drill down into why. If you seek material goods because you’re looking for a life devoid of worry, then remember that the worry may well not come from outside the world but from within. If you are looking for physical healing, try to figure out why. If it’s just to engage in more earthly delights, then that’s not an ideal petition to God . . . but if you are hoping to do more corporeal and spiritual good for the world, perhaps you can do so in different ways, even as your body may guide you to a different path of God’s plan.
I’m not gonna lie: To my mind, there’s a certain amount of the faith that involves discipline and denial. (That’s kind of what we’re all about here in the middle of Lent!) And there’s a discipline in denying yourself what the world says you should want; part of getting closer to God is realizing how trivial many of those temptations are. But that doesn’t mean all wants and needs are to be denied and tamped down. Honesty with yourself and with God, along with communication with God and others you love and trust, can go a long way toward guiding what may seem like silly or inconsequential wants and needs into something that’s entirely resolvable and appropriate. But there can be no meaningful answer without first having a question it addresses.
Today’s readings: Jer 18:18-20; Ps 31:5-6,14,15-16; Mt 20:17-28
