How do we as Christians deal with emotions when someone we trust hurts us? We all have situations when friend, spouse, parent, or child does something that leaves us feeling hurt and disappointed. At these times strong emotions well up.
It may be a small thing: a child who rolls his eyes in disrespect; a friend who ignores us; a co-worker who makes extra work for us; a spouse who is impatient; a parent who is inconsiderate of our time.
It may be a great thing: a child who lies to cover up a drug habit; a friend who gossips about us, a co-worker who steals; a spouse who is unfaithful; a parent who is abusive.
When such things happen, what is a Christian to do? Both St. Paul and Jesus offer some guidance in our Scriptures today.
St. Paul’s Distress
Scripture scholars say that II Corinthians is perhaps the most difficult of Paul’s letters to understand—and this passage is part of the section which is most complex in this epistle. Part of the reason is that Paul is hurt, disappointed, and angry with the church in Corinth. He is expressing his strong feelings through irony (a way to express negative feelings and truth with a touch of humor). Because we don’t know the details of the circumstances and we are not in Paul’s culture, it is hard for us to fully understand his meaning.
Generally, however, Paul is expressing his disappointment. Apparently, since Paul left Corinth, other Christian evangelists have come in to preach a different message. Paul calls the church to task for following these “superapostles.”
“For if someone comes and preaches another Jesus than the one we preached,
or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received
or a different gospel from the one you accepted,
you put up with it well enough.”
While we may not know or understand the details of the issues, Paul’s hurt and disappointment come through.
Was that a good and holy thing for Paul to do—to tell the church at Corinth of his hurt and anger? Would it not have been better to “offer it up” and let it go?
Emotions, Once Expressed, Are Free to Change
I am reminded of an old bit of poem my father taught me:
“I was angry at my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry at my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
God gave us emotions as part of our human nature. They are all signs to “take notice” of something important. Anger is a warning sign that an injustice seems to be done. Hurt is a sign of a failure to live the fruits of the Spirit. Disappointment is a sign that someone has let us down.
Now it is true that life’s wounds and traumas can cause our emotions to be like unbridled horses without a rider. They can run away, wild, in ways that are destructive to us and to others. They need careful monitoring. Will and reason need to balance them.
But Paul demonstrates today that it is OK (even virtuous) to express emotions in direct, non-destructive ways. Paul uses irony and humor—yet he gets his point across.
Emotions, Once Expressed, Are Free to Change
That is, however, only a part of the way we as Christians are called to use emotions when someone has upset us. Jesus reminds us in the Gospel today of the second half.
He gives us the “Our Father,” the model of how we are to talk to God. Then he emphasizes the hard part of that prayer: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Jesus goes on to say,
“If you forgive others their transgressions,
your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others,
neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.”
Emotions are warning signs to pay attention. Their expression can lead both us and others to face a situation of conflict, misunderstanding, sin, or the inevitable wounds of living. Hopefully, facing the situation and expressing our emotions will help us resolve the issue.
Once it is resolved (or once we have done all we can to resolve it), it is time to let go. Forgive.
Forgiveness
Psychology teaches us emotions are our friends if we learn to manage them as Paul did today. Emotions, once expressed, are free to change. They have done their job. Their expression makes forgiveness easier. We see in the last lines of St. Paul some softening,
So I refrained and will refrain from burdening you in any way.
By the truth of Christ in me,
this boast of mine shall not be silenced
in the regions of Achaia.
And why? Because I do not love you?
God knows I do!
Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest thing we are asked to do as Christians. I do not mean to imply in this reflection that it is easy. It is not—especially if there is not reconciliation afterwards or the hurt was great.
Still, Jesus calls us to forgive, to let go of the emotions, thoughts, meaning, and desires we give to a hurt or disappointment. Express them in ways the other person can hear, so both of you can face and fix the situation that led to the emotional warning signs. The let go to forgive.
It is a balance that helps us grow in our capacity to love as God loves, to be as God is. It is God’s nature to forgive. If we fail to forgive, we choose to not be like God.
The Psalm response today is “Your works, O Lord, are justice and truth.” It seems to me that remembering we must walk that balance in all our relationships is the nitty-gritty of Christian life. It is hard, but it is the path that leads us to being formed in the image of God.
Prayer:
Lord, many times I find it difficult to express my unhappiness with someone, and I find it difficult to forgive. For too many years I kept many of my emotions to myself. I developed habits that are very different from what St. Paul and Jesus demonstrate and tell me to do today. I thought I offered up hurts to you, Lord, but I kept the edges of them. They festered inside me and hardened my heart. You have had to work hard, Lord, in recent years, to chip away the concrete of my resentments so I can forgive.
Thank You for Your patience with me.
Help me to forgive today, Lord. Help me to let go. I cannot fix others, but I can let You fix me. As I prepare today for the feast of Your Sacred Heart tomorrow, I beg You again, “Make my heart like Yours.”
