Thursday, February 14, 2019 – The Two Become One Flesh

Wedding Rings

It is not good for the man to be alone – Genesis 2:18. Oh many the love song that has echoed this very sentiment. Together in the garden God and Adam were busy working. God creating things out of the dirt and Adam naming them. All the while searching for “the one”. It must have been a wonderful site to behold. Real male bonding! While we have to assume that Adam was having a jolly ole time there playing in the dirt with God, his heart still ached for his perfect mate.

Then God, after casting Adam into a deep sleep, created the perfect partner for his beloved son. He brought forth Eve into the garden not out of dirt, but out of Adam’s very own flesh. Now Adam’s life could be complete. Together they were created in the very image of God. She would express God’s beautiful feminine love and he God’s strong masculine love. They would give to the other what they could not give themselves. She the tenderness he craves and he the strength she seeks. He will serve and protect her and she will follow and care for him. While individually a man can certainly be tender and a woman strong, together they can be a beautiful expression of Godly love in a way they could not be individually.

So what went wrong? Why do so many couples suffer heartache? Why so many divorces, so many broken homes and injured children? Why do couples inflict such hurt upon each other? God’s Eve was perfect for Adam. Of course the answer my friends is sin. Sin came into the world and the evil one desired to ruin the beautiful and complete love God created in Adam and Eve. He tried to destroy love in the garden and he has not stopped his attack on man and woman today. However, if we are called to live the sacrament of marriage, we can experience the full expression of marital love God originally intended.

While I do not profess to be an expert on marriage, I will share with you that I enjoy a very loving relationship with my husband Scott. People sometimes ask us if we are newlyweds! Having been married for over 25 years we have experienced amazing good times and many moments of heartache as well. Through everything, I could not imagine sharing my life with any other man. Scott is my perfect Adam and I his perfect Eve, sin and all. He needs my feminine love and I his masculine love.

I believe today’s couple can be blessed and experience a deeper love then Adam and Eve could have ever known. A bold statement? Perhaps. You say, Carolyn look around, we were not born in a garden, we were born into a world full of sin and it’s hard here! Yes it is hard here, trust me, I know. Yet, it is exactly the sin that permeates our planet that God can use to draw us nearer to himself. Due to the intimate relationship of married couples marriage is a perfect place for us to grow in Godly love.

Today we are presented with many helpful tools that foster marriage enrichment. I will share with you my three favorites. A book titled “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, another book titled “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley Jr. and World Wide Marriage Encounter meetings/weekends. All three have helped strengthen my marriage and I believe each has been a gift from God. I highly recommend all three for married couples.

However, as wonderful as the above tools have been in our life, there is more Scott and I have been blessed with. We have been blessed with a love that evolves out of forgiveness. We are each human, and in being so we are going to sin and hurt each other. Remember, the evil one wants to separate you from your spouse just as he separated Adam and Eve from God and he will stop at nothing to accomplish this goal.

Forgiveness takes us beyond the internal yearning we have for our mate’s love and affection. It calls us to be in union with God. Here we can grow beyond the pain and heartache sin brought forth and enter into heightened martial love that God has for couples. Through the lens of forgiveness we see our spouse as human, fragile like ourselves. Instead of demanding that our spouse fulfill our needs, we move into the space where we seek to fulfill their needs without expecting anything in return.

Remember one can only hurt another when there is separation from God. It is exactly at this point of pain when our spouse needs our love the most, when the separation from God has reached such a point that heartache obtains entry into our relationship. For better or worse my friends… (Of course in cases of abuse this is another story.) At the point of pain forgiveness can connect you with the healing love God has for your marriage.

It isn’t easy to forgive when the one who you need love from the most  is the very one hurting you. You would probably rather slam the door and storm away or throw the nearest object right in their direction! However, God knows how to heal your relationships in the easiest way possible. He sees the pain you both carry, he alone knows your hearts and he alone can show you how to forgive one another in the most sacred of ways. All we need to do is ask for his help. He will open the door, make no mistake. It may take a while – or not. Persevere and you will finish the race hand-in-hand with the one you love.

Surrender to God in prayer, immerse yourself in his presence during Mass, consume him in the Eucharist, love him in Adoration, and listen to him in his priest. Ask God to heal your marriage and show you the way towards the marital love he intends for you. Remember who authored marriage and who gave it to us – God. Ask God to help you forgive your spouse and while you are at it, ask God to help you forgive yourself. Just as God blessed Adam with his Eve he wants to bless your union and bring it to the fulfillment of Godly marital love.

Happy Valentine’s Day my friends. Go give your spouse a big hug and a yummy smooch!

Jesus – I love you!

About the Author

Carolyn Berghuis MS, ND, CTN is a best-selling author, inspirational speaker, traditional naturopath, and free-lance Catholic writer. Carolyn is currently pursuing an MA in Pastoral Theology at Saint Meinrad Seminary and School of Theology. Carolyn also holds a BS in Mathematics, a MS in Holistic Nutrition and a doctoral degree in Naturopathy. www.CarolynBerghuis.com

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11 Comments

  1. I love the way she discussed martial love and Valentine’s day because it’s been open to so much misinterpretation.

  2. “Together they can be a beautiful expression of Godly love in a way they could not be individually”. Perfectly described Carolyn. Thank you for this most beautiful reflection on Valentines Day.

  4. Be careful, Carolyn. You skim over abuse, but it’s a real problem. And I totally support divorce and getting the h-e-double hockey sticks away from abusers.

    But also, notice that throwing objects at somebody can qualify as abuse (physical). So can slamming doors and giving the silent treatment (emotional). Please don’t say these things lightly as if they are commonplace in marriage.

    Being angry with your spouse from time to time is commonplace. Throwing things at them, slamming doors, and other behaviours that are meant to be displays of power ate not commonplace.

    Take a breather, a break. Walk away from your spouse without slamming doors, throwing objects, or saying hurtful things.

    Think about it this way: if your child came to you and told you that their spouse was behaving in a certain way, and you would be concerned, if not outright afraid for their safety, don’t treat your spouse that way. Your spouse is someone’s precious baby, and most of all, one of God’s children.

    It took me years to unlearn the passive-aggressive (including silent treatment, emotional tugs-of-war, pitting me against each other) forms of abuse that I grew up witnessing from my parents. My parents are now divorced (thank God! Yes, I said it!), and they should have gotten divorced much earlier.

    Sometimes in my weakest moments, I still fall prey to the habits that I internalized, and it takes a lot of God’s grace and strength to overcome them.

    If you are feeling abused in your marriage, don’t talk to a priest. Talk to a psychotherapist (contact shelters for free or low-cost resources). Priests are not psychotherapists, social workers, or law enforcement officers. They don’t have the tools to deal with abuse (they may think they do, but the one counselling class they took in seminary school is not equal to the degree that registered psychologists, or social workers have). They can be nice people, but they’re in over their heads when it comes to abuse.

  5. I don’t think Carolyn intended to gloss over abuse situations. It seems that her main message in her reflection was focused on LOVE and forgiveness on this Valentines Day. But thank you A, for offering some good advice and thoughts for people in desperate situations of abuse.

  6. A. I agree with you that priests are not marriage counselors…nor should they pretend to act like one. A good priest will recognize these situations in which they are not qualified to act and will refer to the appropriate counselor(s). But this does not mean that they have nothing to offer a couple. Marriages involve more than husband and wife. The third partner (hopefully not a “silent partner”) is God. In all marriages, especially a troubled one, how God fits into the relationship needs to be a factor that is explored. And a priest can help the couple see where God is in their marriage and maybe where God should be. As in most forms of therapy, a team approach is often best and a priest can play a vital role on that team.

  7. A. I agree with you that priests are not marriage counselors…nor should they pretend to act like one. A good priest will recognize these situations in which they are not qualified to act and will refer to the appropriate counselor(s). But this does not mean that they have nothing to offer a couple. Marriages involve more than husband and wife. The third partner (hopefully not a “silent partner”) is God. In all marriages, especially a troubled one, how God fits into the relationship needs to be a factor that is explored. And a priest can help the couple see where God is in their marriage and maybe where God should be. As in most forms of therapy, a team approach is often best and a priest can play a vital role on that team.

    John

  9. The Love Dare is also a great, hands on, work book for couples – or even for anyone wanting to improve relationships with other people in your life. Even though it’s a good book for both people in a marriage or relationship – just one person making some changes can change everything. And I agree – with Carolyn – cases of abuse are another story – look for help and protect your life. Thank you Carolyn! Love and prayers for all of you at A Catholic Moment and all of us around the world listening in❤️

  10. Dear A – your comment that priests are not psychotherapist etc., reminded me of an incident when I worked for my church. A young woman who had three children, met with me about sacramental prep for her children. Each time I sensed she wanted to tell me something that was troubling her. While she did not go into detail, she told me her husband had friends who drank and gambled too much and it was affecting their marriage and children. Obviously, I am not a psychologist. So I suggested to her, first, to go to Pastoral Care in our Diocese where they had a therapist. She didn’t want to do that, so then I suggested she speak to our parish priest thinking he might be able to suggest an alternative avenue for her to seek help. To make a long story short, he decided to meet with both of them. Later on I said, I hope Father V was able to suggest something. She said No, he didn’t, he just told her husband to “smarten up”. I am not a psychologist, but even I knew that had to be the dumbest thing to say. She eventually left her husband. The husband was a really nice guy. I met him many times when they came to Mass. I would never have suspected anything was wrong. Secondly, he was very friendly with Father V and would bring him fish whenever he went fishing. So, you are correct, most or some priests are not trained to be marriage counsellors. However, we did have an Associate Pastor who was trained as a marriage counsellor. He had a private practice in the Diocese, and he also taught at the Catholic university. Fr. P became very popular in our Parish, so many parishioners would specifically ask him for the sacrament of marriage, baptism, funerals. It got to be a bit of a competition. Eventually, Fr. P moved on. Many of us missed him.

    Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.
    God bless

  11. Thank you for your comments, Chris. They show the reality of situations from which some priests should just stay away and tell the affected people to seek qualified (!) help.

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