Thursday , 9th June 2022

go first and be reconciled with your brother,
and then come and offer your gift.
Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court with him.
Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge,
and the judge will hand you over to the guard,
and you will be thrown into prison.

This is a direct statement to me ! While I have been having immense trouble forgiving my brother and some few other who have repeatedly hurt me and still do so! I dont think I am going to be the only one who walks into a sunday mass to recieve the Eucharist , with some baggage of the past!

What hurts me more , is the fact that this hate / rage / emotional turmoil against the person drives me so angry and has zero effect on the other person! I wonder if they even realise how much they have hurt me or people I love! No they dont!!

Who notices me with all this anger and rage inside me is my Lord! Yes I do try to rationalise my behaviour and emotions and most of the time believe in ignorance is bliss so just happily ignore the source of my inner turmoil cause as a human I understand the limitations of certain relationships at family or work which do not permit me to voice my opinion and let that person live in oblivion.. it saves the world so much of unwanted drama and confusion ..

But every time I reach for this passage in the Bible , I can feel the guilt cropping up and constantly am fighting to be a better person and some days (most) I just let the not good person be me and let me just live my life as the world expects it! I prefer it that way so I dont have to deal with explanations or obligations or conversations! I decide in my head , that what I am doing is for my mental health and I do not need to make amends with every human who has hurt my feelings. While other days I feel guilty as I sit before the Lord to pray and wonder will I ever be able to forgive and get this off my chest?!

While many of you will resonate the feeling with me , some may believe that I should forgive everyone and my perfectionism forces me to constantly feel guilty about being untrue to the teachings of the Lord. It is a huge conflict in my spiritual growth and yes , I have talked to priests about it and sought help which left me more confused – so I finally am trying to make peace but not all days are sunny and joyful.

Today as Jesus beckons us as his children to come to the lord only after sorting out the petty issues we have outside of it, I am still wondering if I even want to sort them out?! Issues long forgotten and hurt buried inside but left a complete mental image of the same! I ended having PTSD in minor form and massive anxiety from all the hurt and pain caused leading me to even wonder if they deserve the forgiveness while I deal with my daily demons !

But alas, I am only human .. I am just a woman

Lord help me believe , in all that I am and all that YOU do..

Show me the stairway I have to climb..

Lord for my sake teach me to take one day at a time!!

AMEN!

About the Author

Hello! I’m Dr Analise Maria D’ Mello, (MBBS, MS obgyn, DNB) from the beautiful state of Goa in India. I was born and raised in a Roman Catholic family, learning my prayers, catechism and Catholic values from my parents and grandmothers. I am currently practicing as an obstetrician and gynecologist for 3 years since my residency. I often speak on anti-abortion to college students and married couples, and counsel distressed pregnant women with appropriate medical advice. I am part of the St Luke's Medical Guild of Catholic Doctors in my state providing services in prisons, and Lenten and advent retreats for medical professionals and their families.

Author Archive Page

17 Comments

  1. Forgiveness is release from physical and spiritual debts. Forgiveness is a word that I answer with yes, but say, “how? he or she did this”…. Until this time when at 74 years of age, the Spirit of understanding whispered this, “forgiveness also means release” accompanied by a reflection which encouraged me to go back to every trauma from childhood to adulthood… addressing each one by name, {Name}, I release you from the debt you owe me and forgive you. The following day, the hurt was no longer there as grace covered it, as it not only release me from my own prison of unforgiveness. It was a relief…

  2. You show such strength. Never give up the fight and always turn to the source of strength.

  3. It’s impossible to forgive really deep hurts on our own. We need Jesus to help us say, Forgive them Father, they don’t know how they have hurt me. And to ask forgiveness for hurts we may have inflicted on others, maybe without even realising it.

  4. Forgiveness is a tough road. We want to get even…we want to hit back. Jesus wants nothing to do with this. We should forgive as He forgives. The sacrament of reconciliation is an incredible blessing and returns us to the fullness of life and God’s grace. Peace my sister.

  5. Analise, I can feel your frustration and pain in this reflection, but the fact that you continually seek the Lord and ask for His guidance is huge! Prayers for you and your family. Thanks for your reflections!

  6. I can empathize with you. So often I ignore the Holy Spirit and live as the world expects me to, because it’s so hard. I rationalize. Yesterday, on Relevant Radio I heard someone say to rationalize is to tell yourself
    “rational lies”. That stopped me in my tracks. I can only lean on my God to help me to see clearly, to love without boundaries.

  7. Amen sister. It takes supernatural strength to let go of the justified anger. I learned some relationships cannot exist or be repaired due to certain behaviors among the perpetrators of the hurt. I pray for you as we all travel along a similar path as Christians. God be with you.

  8. I am a senior and live in the US. Yesterday I listened to a close friend describe her very complicated sibling relationships. They never verbally disagree but instead hold anger and frustration inside. She then described gender related issues she was experiencing in her middle management job at a major corporation. My point is you are not alone. People of all ages experience these feelings. My prayer for you is that you learn to deal with the feelings in a positive way while you are young and before something happens to one of those who create the anxiety in you. I don’t know the answers, but I do know that you can take a small first step to release or express your feelings. If you don’t make the effort, the situation will never change. But start small and evaluate the result.

  9. I read a reflection on forgiveness after reading the story of the king forgiving the servant his debt of 10,000 talents. 1. Yes, someone has done something wrong. They have committed an offense against you. 2. What has this persons actions cost me?? What has it taken from me? Add up what this person owes you… all the things it has cost you or taken from you. 3. This is not saying it is OK, or I am not hurt , or that they don’t owe you something. IT IS SAYING,” here is what you owe me, I am releasing you from your debt. I have tallied it up and I am not going to make you pay it back- this is not a one and done thing. wounds resurface. Do this as often as you need!!

  10. Analise,
    Thank you for your reflection today. Harboring anger, bitterness and/or resentment is a very common human reaction to a perceived slight or wrong. To some, there is no problem with not forgiving another. To you (and I) who have a relationship with Christ, that is a problem and a stumbling block. Just the other day, I was angry with my sister and I dwelled on that anger throughout the day refusing to speak to her even though she was right next door visiting our mother. Then God spoke to me as I heard a song (for the first time) with a lyric that said something to the effect of: how can I love my enemies, when I have such a hard time loving my friends? So, although still angry, I went next door to at least acknowledge her presence and say “hello”. This morning, I heard in a video reflection the old adage that “bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. Praying that you, I and others will be able to move beyond the malignancies of anger, bitterness and resentment for our physical and spiritual health.

  11. Pray for are enemies, for those who hate you hurt you did all kinds of evils to you . Pray God Spirit fill them with his love .

  12. I will continue to pray that you will find peace in your heart Analise.Emotional pain is often harder to deal with than physical pain.May our Blessed Mother hold you in her loving embrace and may you be guided by the Holy Spirit.

  13. Dr Analise and fellow A Catholic Moment readers!
    Thanks be to God we are able to be honest here and admit we all are struggling human beings who need God! He expects us to be angry and recognize unfair and unjust actions towards us and others. Then He expects us to bring them to Him and together figure out the best solutions. Silence, Prayers, Discussions? But always Love and Forgiveness which is done by taking it to the Lord! He never leaves nor forsakes us as we thrash around looking for a place to land while His arms are outstretched ready to catch us!
    Praise Father Son and Holy Spirit!
    .

  14. Dear Analise,
    I do resonate with your reflection. It was heart felt and have struggled in the past forgiving others who have hurt me in the past and I’ve reconciled only to be barged by a new set of circumstances that weigh heavily on my heart, mind, and soul.
    What I try to do when saying the Our Father is add in a snippet of my own version which is: forgive my trespasses as I (can and do with your graces) forgive those who trespass against me.
    I hope this reply slightly consoles you and the demons you suffer with. May
    God bless you abundantly and thank you for sharing your (our) struggles, it really hit home.
    My deepest sincerity. 💔

  15. Dr. Analise, you are not alone. I feel your pain and have for several years. What started my changed thought of forgiveness is a visiting priest! He said we are obligated to forgive, but don’t have to forget. Through prayer, I asked for a change of heart to deal with those who have hurt me. I was then reminded that the person I needed to forgive, wouldn’t listen to me and to concentrate on changing my thoughts and opinions. Once I was able to work on myself, I felt a great deal of relief and was able to talk with the other person about life in general because I had turned them over to God. Surprisingly I didn’t have the anger or resentment toward this person. Sometimes we need to deal with ourselves before we can change others.
    Praying that the Holy Spirit will give you the strength you need to forgive yourself and then move on.🙏

  16. Analise I have tears in my eyes! Reading your reflection hit home for me, I totally understand! I too pray to live one day at a time and continue to put things in God’s hands knowing he’s by my side every step of the way! 🙏🏼❣️

  17. Beautiful and heartfelt reflection, Analise. I too struggle with forgiving and forgetting, and I pray that we all figure out how to free our minds from the hurt and bitterness

Post a Comment

Your email address will not be published.