“Lord, if you had been here,
my brother would not have died.
Mrs A, pregnant with her first child with no high risk, came in labor at night , while she was shifted to the delivery room and monitored by the resident doctor on duty, I was on call and went intermittently to check on her progress, while dealing with other emergencies.
At the crack of dawn I walked in the on her being monitored by 2 doctors and there was no sign of any delay in progress of labor or fetal heart rate complication. While I checked on her I found she was not fully dilated and left to deal with other emergencies, to receive a frantic call saying, there is fetal heart deceleration. I rushed in and delivered a newborn with poor breathing efforts and unresponsive, the pediatricians got at work and resuscitated the newborn. While the child was shifted to the NICU for the following 72 hours, my consultant and I tried our best at counselling the distraught mother and husband. However the child expired on the 3rd day and I walked into the father at the corridor near the ward. He was furious and tearful, but all he said to me, ” if you had been there , my baby would be alive…!”
I did talk to him about the death of the child, I knew he resented every one of us doctors there. I remembered walking into that duty doctor room and sobbing for what seemed like hours.
The helplessness of the parents and in todays gospel, Martha, is what struck me was the fact that I can never undo the situation in their lives but I have tried to brush off the guilt and self hate that came into my life till date.
Often we wish God followed our plan –the job we want, the spouse we desire, the money we could earn, the child we want or even the simple appreciation for our hard work at home or family!! BUT , maybe He does not want us to sit and hope and mop about the ” what if and buts” instead accept the twists and turns thrown our way and rise to the challenge of being a better human every single day even when we have every reason not to. While I spiraled down a time of questioning my abilities to near quitting this profession, I realised that I was given this opportunity for a reason.
I do not advocate adjusting ourselves in situations which can hurt our physical and mental health but to keep ourselves focused on being better humans in our words and deeds and working harder to be better than yesterday. Little by little, step by step …. it took me a while to get here and I know –the Lord is here now and forever!
PRAYER:
I thank you Lord for my health and the blessing of a new day and life. Forgive me for the hurt I caused to people I love and enable me to know that you are there in my every deed and word. Help me to be better everyday and follow your commandments with faith.
AMEN
