People will die of fright
in anticipation of what is coming upon the world,
for the powers of the heavens will be shaken.
And then they will see the Son of Man
coming in a cloud with power and great glory.
I am internally dying of fright.. fright that my family will fall apart… fright that the reports will show something new in dad .. fright that I am unable to concentrate on anything… fright that we will miss the flight or skip the doctors appointment cause of my mismanagement! .. I am living in such constant fear that it hurts me more and more as I drifted away from the Lord!
Last week as we flew across the country to meet the best oncologist for the same, I was wrapped in doubts and stress, being the doctor child , all medical decisions are blindly dumped on me! A serious and huge responsibility that I am still scared of!! While I ran up and down the hospital to get all my dads tests sorted in an ocean of humans affected by cancer, the sight of a child hopping along their parents and smiling while having lost all their body and scalp hair to chemotherapy made me wince at my own selfish attitude! As the kids smiled without any fear, I felt silly for being so scared!
Amongst all of this ,I managed to get in touch with a colleague from my medical school residency days who happens to work in the same department and unit! While he is helping me out with everything, I feel more guilty than ever, for losing my faith in this all.
My prayer life is a wreck and I am anxious almost every minute, making me procrastinate work that actually needs to be done and forgetting stuff or worse snap at my mother!
On my flight to the doctor I opened “the screw tape letters” by CS Lewis and when I read how Wormwood was advised to separate the patient from his mother, I could see exactly what happened between me and my mom, the fright in both of us and the anticipation of the worst, but we know there is a God! and he decides everything!! and shall return ……
PRAYER:
Dearest Jesus, I am sorry for being stressed and pushing away from you in moments of crisis. Help me to accept you as My ROCK and rely on you for every need of mine. Thank you for all the wonderful prayers from across the world and help us all strengthen our faith in you every day!!!
AMEN!
