There are moments in life where we cry out, we begin reaching for something and we don’t know whether it truly exists. Moments that crush us, dismember our logic, blind us from the truth, and create the reality of falsehood.
Recently, I have traded my smooth sailboat in for a hard, guarded, wooden ship that braves the rough waters and storms that have made up the last year of my life. Although these storms were scattered, they have been plentiful. They have been full of anger, pain, confusion, disappointment, and fear. Whether these emotions were the result of the loss of a relationship, the loss of perspective, or the loss of myself; there was always a common denominator, it was always a result of a loss. I have questioned who I am, what I stand for, and whether or not forgiveness was an option for me. I have struggled through the darkest corners of my soul, areas of my persona I never even knew existed. Searching for answers with a small tealight that seemed to be constantly wiped away by the waves and wind of another storm. I had given up on living a life I thought I deserved, and shut down. Settled for the life that seemed to be thrust upon me.
This is why today’s reading and gospel meant so much to me. And, in knowing I am not the only one that has been in my shoes, why it means so much for those of you that can relate to the emotional disaster described above. It took me lighting that tea candle again and again to find my way out of the corners of my soul that seemed to consume me for so long. My tea candle was lit through the support of friends and family, through prayer, and through a community of faith. However, I knew before the storm would calm completely, before I could get back to my sailboat, I would need forgiveness that would shed an incredible light over my waters, a sunbeam radiance to wash away the calamity my circumstance had caused.
In today’s gospel, Jesus proclaims:
Do not take a false oath,
but make good to the Lord all that you vow.
The first step out of my storm was an understanding of what brewed the winds, caused the thunder, and powered the lightning. As I used my faith to analyze my soul, I realized that I was claiming false oath to myself. For such a long period of time, I had been lying to myself, and in turn, to others, about who I was and what I believed. The gospel tells us not to lie, not to ourselves, nor to our creator.
Now, try reading the first reading after the gospel. As the gospel preaches to us the love of God and his wish for us to be clean in spirit, so does the reading preach to us his divine mercy and absolution for the fall away; so does the reading give us light in periods of darkness, to which we fall due to our lack in faith to trust that the Lord would offer forgiveness. What if, every time we fell off our smooth sailboat and into the harsh and cold waters of sin, we remembered that God forgives us, and accepted that forgiveness? How much more time would we spend in joy as opposed to suffering?
I spent a lot of time over the last year, beating myself up for somehow becoming a person I never thought that I was. Suffering blindly due to my inability to forgive myself, and accept Gods forgiveness. However, once I was able to pick myself up, I reached for God hand to help me to my feet. Once I was able to start moving forward, I used the Holy Spirit as my guide. And once I was able to forgive myself, I used Jesus’ sacrifice as my source of divine grace.
Losing something just means you are meant to find something so much better. 
