18 years ago I was standing at the altar with my best friend – the woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Those closest to us, who mean the most to us, were in the audience witnessing the vows we were taking – to love each other, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. We knew that it was important to get married in the Church before the eyes of God, but being young and in love, we were simply excited for the evening to come for the celebration, our honeymoon in Florida, and then our new life together to fulfill the dreams that we had.
But at the time, I don’t think either one of us understood the magnitude nor saw the big picture of what we were undertaking. Of course we loved each other and do so even more to this day, but we didn’t quite understand how darn tough “for better or worse” can be. Nothing can prepare you for that at 23 years old, you just have to live it. And it’s really taken all of these 18 years for both of us to realize the gift that we were given that day – the gift of God’s grace through a bond – a sacramental bond that cannot be undone.
And I know that we are just beginning to understand this.
We knew that day that we were making vows to each other and to God, but what we did not know was how much God would be with us in the years that lie ahead because of that decision we made that day. We made a choice, to love and serve each other, to become one, and one with God. We chose not to simply give in to the world and live together uncommitted, but rather we took a stand to the world and promised to God that we love each through Him and serve Him through our love for one another. As Joshua said in the first reading today, when addressing the people on behalf of the Lord, he said,
“If it does not please you to serve the LORD, decide today whom you will serve, the gods your fathers served beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose country you are now dwelling. As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
18 years ago, we chose to serve the Lord through our marriage. We may not have truly realized the magnitude of the decision at the time, but we followed the Holy Spirit and chose Him over the world.
Fast-forward 12 years. Financial issues, career angst and troubles, priorities and expectations that did not line up, a child in the mix and everything in between. 6 years prior in 2006, my wife had converted to Catholicism, but I was still lukewarm in my faith and it was not a priority in my life. I wanted to be Catholic when Catholic was convenient for me, and when it matched my desires.
But there was a change. God spoke to me via my wife, in a number of different ways, and through it all, my faith started to awaken. We started to embrace our faith, and take it seriously, and learn about it. We started to pray and read scripture regularly, we understood the importance of attending Mass every week, even often throughout the week, and we began to grow.
I began to realize the important example and role that I play for my family, as all men do for their families – the importance of the father and the husband. As dad/husband goes, so goes the family. And so as the last line of the passage above from the first reading in Joshua goes today,
As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.
I felt the need, and the importance as the father and husband to set the spiritual tone for my family. For a strong family, a family built on faith, the father needs to be there and he needs to have a spiritual relationship with God. I realized this. I could either choose to worship the false gods of this world, or the one true God. There is no in-between. I definitely have a long way to go, and some days it’s a challenge, but I’ve made the choice that for me and my household, I will try to be that example and together we would center our house on Christ.
That day, 18 years ago, I made that commitment to my wife and my future son, though I did not realize it at the time, a promise to be this example and this leader.
Fast-forward to today. In the last few years, my wife and I have begun to truly see what marriage is and what it can be. In St. Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians today, he states that wives should be subordinate to their husbands, and so many people focus on this aspect when they think of this reading. Instead of saying be subordinate, perhaps surrender might be a better way to look at it. A husband and wife need to surrender to one another, surrender to their love for one another and be all in. But I also think a large part of this reading is about the role that husbands and fathers need to play, a role that often goes overlooked. Paul goes on to say that husbands should love their wives, “even as Christ loved the Church, and handed himself over for her to sanctify her”.
Men – we need to love our wives as we do ourselves and be willing to sacrifice everything for them – ourselves and our lives if need be, putting in the hours, investing the time int our faith “cleansing her by the bath of water with the word….”, so that “she might be holy and without blemish.”
In other words, all this is saying is that the husband is the spiritual head of the family, and that by speaking and acting in Christ’s example, loving our wives beyond ourselves with our whole heart, our duty is to make our wives better, and get them to Heaven. And we have the power to do this through the sacrament of Marriage and the grace that the sacrament provides – that “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
And so in a good sacramental marriage, there is really no him versus her and truly no one is subordinate to the other, but rather we surrender to each other are one in union with God. And it’s through this grace that we can withstand the “for better and worse”. This truth – is what my wife and I are only beginning to understand. The truth that we promised to uphold 1 years ago, is only starting to reveal itself.
Without understanding this truth, and receiving God’s grace through the sacrament – it’s no wonder so many marriages end in divorce today. It’s no wonder that there are so many broken families. If you don’t have this bond, it’s like that fortified barricade around you breaks down and you are open to attack.
The Gospel readings the last few Sunday’s have centered on the Discourse of the Bread of Life, that we must eat the flesh and blood of Christ if we are to be saved and understand this truth. And some of Jesus’ disciples could not follow Him. They could not comprehend and do what He was saying. They did not believe that He truly was the Son of God, and they did not have faith. They fell back to the world.
So many times in marriage, you want to give up. So many times, you want to fall back to your old ways, and many of us do, and often, this leads to broken marriages and families or married couples living single lives. So many Catholic married couples don’t understand the sacramental gift that they have been given, and how they can leverage God’s grace to yield a more fruitful marriage. All too often, we give up on Him, and each other, and choose to go it alone.
I’ve never questioned the choice to get married, and through the “for worse times”, I’ve never, ever wanted to give up. So many people don’t want to work for anything anymore. And for any split second where the thought crossed my mind of whether or not it was worth it, all I think about is my wife, my son, and this special relationship with Christ through our marriage. This sacramental bond of marriage is so worth it. Like Peter, as he answered Jesus when asked if he too would leave Him, Peter said – “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. “ I could not imagine being without my wife and not having this bond with Christ. What could be better?
Marriage is a gift. But Catholic marriage is a special gift. It’s a special grace that a man and a woman receive in a love bound through God. But as men, and as husbands, we set the spiritual direction for our households. We set the tone. But too often we are failing.
We have a great responsibility in this world today. All too often we don’t understand our responsibility to our wives, and our children, and what our role is in our family, that we are really the glue between our family and God. We need to step up, and make the choice to serve our Lord through our marriages and role as fathers, and we must set this example for other men in this world. We may not be able to impact the whole world all at once, but it starts in our homes, and if we can be Christ’s example in our homes, the impact on this world may be limitless. Because as dad goes, so goes the family. It is our choice.
