I’ll never forget… It was about a year and a half ago. After some years of career turmoil, I was then about a year and a half into a new job that I thought would change everything, but it wasn’t turning into what I thought it would be, and in so many ways I was never more lost. Prior to that, I had left a company where I had spent 14 years to try something new, and see if the grass truly was greener, but I was finding it was the same grass. I was not happy with anything – my career and who I was. Or perhaps a better way to put it – who I was not. In this time of my life, I was like Peter and the disciples in the weeks after the Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection on the Sea of Tiberias. I was somewhat lost, and I was fishing for answers. And so, like the disciples, I would often retreat back to something I knew. Something that was more comfortable. But I continued to search.
I setup a meeting with my boss one day, and told him my situation, my concerns, and what I thought I wanted to do. Now, in the grand scheme of things, compared with what others in this world have to deal with, this problem seems trivial. I had a stable job with good benefits, and I was providing for my family, so what is the issue? Many people have jobs they don’t like. But there was something deeper. Something missing in me. So many times men define themselves by their job and what they do in life. And I didn’t know who I was, what my purpose was, and I was taking it out on others, and this was affecting my entire life. It wasn’t just my job, it was other stuff too. That was just at the forefront.
And so as I was talking with my boss and telling him my issues and what I thought I wanted to do, and this and that – I stopped to let him speak. He sits back in his chair and says, “I remember a few years ago, having career angst and the like, and fighting through depression…” I could hear the record scratch and come to a halt in my mind, and my head perked up. That was it! That word. I had never heard it before in correlation with me. It had never occurred to me that I might be depressed.
Throughout my entire life, I had been very driven and positive – everything had gone my way. But after a few years of financial, career, and personal struggles – my outlook had changed. I was humbled. I was less confident. I had been broken down and was not sure which way to go. And this was affecting my whole life. This was new territory for me. I can only imagine this was a small fraction of how the disciples felt. But then Jesus revealed himself to the disciples in someone they did not recognize, but in a way that was familiar. “Cast your nets to the other side and you will find something”, He said. And sure enough, they did.
Throughout this time, I continued to pray and spend time with Jesus, attend Mass and confession and adoration, reading scripture – looking for answers. As so many others have in history, I was waiting for God to swoop in some majestic way and give me the exact answer and solve my problem.
But He revealed himself to me in a small, subtle way, in someone I least expected. As I was talking with my boss, a protestant minister outside of his day job, I felt as if it was Jesus speaking directly to me, telling me where to look to find the fish, where to find the root of my problem. Jesus came to me where I was, in a way I did not recognize at first, but then realized it was Him working through someone else.
This was a life-changing event for me, not only because I realized my problem, but because I then relied on God to then help me through it through others. He came to me through co-workers. My close friends. Through old friends I had not seen in a while, and He came to me through my wife. No matter how often I mess up or turn from Him, Jesus continues to come to me asking me, just like He did Peter – “Do you love me?” He does this to all of us. He just wants to hear that we love Him back.
But often we regress. Jesus then comes back to us, revealing himself in some other way, and He asks – “Do you love me?” And we answer – “We do Lord. We love you.” It’s a cycle, but if we keep the faith throughout the pains and the depressions and the spiritual dryness in our lives, His grace strengthens us and sees us through it – and we get stronger. We may even get to a point like Peter says in the first reading today, after they were punished for preaching in the name of Jesus, Peter “rejoiced that they had been found worthy to suffer dishonor for the sake of the name.” We don’t enjoy the struggles, but we rejoice that they bring us closer to Christ.
Since that day, life has continued as life does. I’ve had ups and downs as we all do. But what has changed is that I looked at who I was, who God made me to be, and embraced my strengths rather than focus on who I was not. And I’ve made an intense effort to strive to let’s God’s will be done – and to accept it with patience and humility – in all that I do and to let Him into my heart, wherever I am at in life. I’ve been trying to look around and try to truly see God in those around me. In everything. It’s tough. But we must try. Revelations today speaks of this that Christ came for all of us, everything in the universe and all of creation. And if we’re looking for him, we needn’t look too far – He is alive all around us.
We mustn’t let our troubles get the best of us. We must persevere with the faith and love in Christ that He will see us through life’s challenges, whether it’s on the shore telling us to cast our nets in the opposite direction, or in a conference room, speaking a word of truth, a word that we never uttered before, shining a spotlight on the issue at hand.
Jesus comes to us where we are. We need to let Him come to us, and then we need to live that example, meeting others where they are, letting Him use us as His instrument, not judging and condemning – but rather helping people and building them up. Being that example, and that light that hopefully helps people see themselves for the first time, and brings them closer to Jesus, so close that sometimes they may just want to hop out of the boat and swim to Him on shore.
We will continue to suffer trials and humiliations in life – but Jesus will continue to reveal himself to us and give us the grace we need. He loves us that much. And all we have to do, when he comes and asks, is just say we love Him back, and keep trying to do better. He will handle the rest.
(ACTS 5:27-32, 40B-41; Ps 30; REV 5:11-14; JN 21:1-19)
