“Look, all these years I served you and not once did I disobey your orders; yet you never gave me even a young goat to feast on with my friends…”
– The older son, from the Gospel according to St. Luke
My wife and I have been married 15 years. Someone, who had been married much longer, asked us a while back how long we had been married, and so I exclaimed to her, “15 years!” She smiled, and she said, “That’s a good start!”
That put things into perspective. I love my marriage and I love my wife. And while I think back at how the first 15 years went by in a blink of any eye, I also think about all the ups and downs we’ve faced. The give and take. The sacrifice and the service, helping carry the other when they needed it. I think, “Wow! We’ve sure faced a lot over the last decade and a half!” But in the grand scheme of things, it’s a very short time.
But I do know, that amidst all my faults and shortcomings, I love my wife with all my heart.
And as I’m sitting here, writing, I’m also staring at a messy house that needs cleaning because we have family visiting today, and as my wife is away at a parish retreat – I know the cleaning falls entirely on me. I don’t want to do it, and I’m tempted to think, “it’s just my family, they won’t care.” But I know that my wife cares, and so I want to do this for her.
I want the house to look nice, not only for our guests, but because I know it will make her happy to come home tonight and see a nice, tidy house, and she wants our guests to feel welcome and comfortable. I don’t want to clean the house. But I’m going to clean it – not because I’m afraid she will be upset if I don’t, and not out of obligation. I do it because I love her, and I know how it will make her feel. I do it out of the love I hold in my heart for her.
And I expect nothing in return.
So many times, especially early in our marriage, that was not true. If I did something, I wanted something in return. Or, I just felt obligated to do things, and I didn’t do them because it made my wife happy. The birthday gifts I got her at the last moment and put little thought into. I learned it’s not about the gift, but the thought that goes into it. The love behind it.
It’s about where the heart is, and so many times over those years, my heart was with myself.
And so this is what I was thinking of today after having read the Gospel – the age old Parable of the Lost Son. So often, we focus on the son who leaves, and then comes back and asks for his father’s mercy and forgiveness. But today, I’m thinking of the other son. The older one. He stays behind, and on the surface, seems to be the loving and obedient and righteous child. He says and does all the right things.
But deep down, where is his heart through it all? Did he stay behind out of the love of his father and the duty to serve him with his heart? Or was he just too afraid and timid to ask for his inheritance and do like his younger brother did?
Was he secretly jealous that his brother got his inheritance and got to go enjoy the world? Did he feel that if he simply did the good deed and sacrificed his desires and his wants for his dad, that he would be rewarded? This all bubbles up to the surface when his younger brother comes home.
Instead of being happy, he is jealous of the celebration and what his younger brother is given. He says how he did all these great things all these years, did the “right” thing and stayed behind while his brother was out enjoying the world and spending his inheritance, but deep down, he stayed and served out of obligation. He didn’t serve his father with a heart full of love; he served him out of fear and selfish expectations.
He wanted something in return.
Jesus asks us a hidden question today in His parable – “When you do your good deeds and works of service to others, where is your heart?” And I think when we each die, and are staring at the gates of Heaven, Jesus will be there, asking us that same question.
And we’ll say, “but I did this, and that, and all these good things. I did everything I had to do.”
But Jesus will ask – “But where was your heart through it all? Did you do all those things out of love, or did you do them out of fear and obligation? Did you do those deeds for a reward, and expect to cash those deeds in for salvation? Or, did you do them all out of love for one another? And out of love for Me?”
I think of this, and I think of my own life. Many times, I’m not the son who runs away. I’m the son who stays behind and feel I have to do the good things to feel good about myself, so that others can see me as the “good one” who does all these great things on the surface. But where is my heart? Do I do things simply for reward, whether it is simply self-satisfaction, or do I do them out of pure love for the other person?
I think when we do look at our heart, and really seek to serve others through a deeper love and a love for God, we will be enlightened. And those “acts of service” we had been doing out of sheer obligation will cease like the manna in the desert in the first reading. We’ll release how bland life really was, and we’ll live off the good produce and the richness of acts done in pure love.
And just like in those other times in our lives, when we’re the younger son, and we turn from God and fall, and then come running back – again, we look to where our heart is. When we mess up in our lives – and we look to reconcile with others and with God – where is our heart?
Are we saying we’re sorry out of fear and obligation? When we go to confession – are we going because it is the Catholic thing to do, and we’re afraid of going to hell? Or do we go out of a love of Christ and a true sorrow that we hurt Him? Do we just go through the motions and think, “I’ll go to confession and do my penance, and be in God’s good graces again…” Or do we truly ask for forgiveness out of love?
There’s much food for thought here.
And as I write this, looking at my house that needs cleaned, I think about how messy I am on the inside. I look at how calm and collected I must appear on the surface, but I think about how my soul is cluttered, and I really ask myself, am I doing things in my life with a full heart and for the simple reason of love towards one another and God? Or do I have selfish desires through it all, expecting something in return?
As I reflect, I continuously think, “Where is my heart?” Has my life simply been manna up to this point? Have I truly encountered the sacraments and our faith with love as opposed to obligation? In many ways, my love has grown. But in some ways, I still do things out of obligation, fear, and expecting reward. I think we all do.
So I think we all need to ask ourselves this question, and continuously seek to examine where our heart is, in all that we do. When we do those mundane tasks for our spouse, those acts of charity, or service through our jobs – we need to ask ourselves what our motivation is? Is it love, or just obligation?
When we go to Confession and to Mass, and receive Holy Communion, are we going out of love of God and the love of His mercy? Or are we going simply because that’s what good Catholics do, and we’re afraid of what will happen if we don’t?
I think if we start to ask ourselves these questions, and really examine our motivation, and really seek to grow our faith, then these acts that we do and the service we provide and the reconciliation we seek will naturally occur out of a greater, deeper, love. Like a good marriage, we continue to learn, and grow with our faith, with each other, and with Christ.
We may have been a “good Catholic” for 15 years or 50 years. But once we start to search inside and look to where our heart truly is, then, that’s “a good start…”
We can realize after all this time that we’d been living just on manna, and that the rich feast of our faith now lies before us.
Daily Mass Readings:
Joshua 5:9-12; Psalm 33; 2 Corinthians 5:17-21; Luke 15:1-3,11-32
