The Pharisees went out and took counsel against Jesus
to put him to death. When Jesus realized this, he withdrew from that place.
My two daughters were very different in terms of how they dealt with stress, conflict and confrontation as children. My younger daughter, Rebekah, hated conflict. She would avoid it at all costs. My older daughter, Danielle, had no trouble at going toe to toe with you. If she felt she was in the right, she would not back down. She also would never tell a lie to get out of an accusation. She would stiffen up and fight all the more.
An example from when they were young illustrates my point. Danielle was learning to play the piano and needed to practice. We all were going to Elise’s cousin’s wedding and I wanted Danielle to practice before we left. She did not want to. I wanted her to. A collision of two immoveable forces was inevitable. The volume of the argument likely rang out down the block. Neither of us would back down. At the height of the nonsense (I see it as nonsense now but not at the time) Rebekah walked out of her bedroom and saw what was happening. She immediately put on a sad face at the turmoil and retreated back into her room. It was at that moment that I realized that my immovability in a situation like this was costing me more than it was gaining. I learned to pick my battles.
In today’s Gospel the Pharisees are ramping up their attacks on Jesus as they explore ways to end His life. Once Jesus realizes what is happening He withdraws. Takes Himself out of the situation. People follow and He heals many but instructs them to tell no one about what He has done for them. Now to some who only see Jesus withdrawing will see Him as a pacifist. After all, Jesus is the Prince of Peace. Of course He would not do battle with the authorities. And this is the message some would take away. That we should accept behavior we may object to and “live and let live”. Just as Jesus did. But they would be missing the big picture.
It is true that Jesus withdrew from some situations during His ministry. There appeared to be a few different reasons why He did so. He would often withdraw to pray. Either to pray for others or to ask His Father for help before engaging on an upcoming task. When He felt His words were falling on deaf ears, He would also withdraw rather than “casting pearls before swine”. Or He would do so to rest. Jesus was human as well as divine. And the human part of Him could not function by always being engaged and struggling. He needed His time alone. The word “burnout” comes to mind. We all need time away from life’s complexities and struggles in order to manage the marathon. Here is a scene from The Chosen of Jesus returning exhausted from a long day of preaching and healing the sick, that I think illustrates this point:
But we all know that Jesus did not avoid conflict at all times. When a point needed to be made, He did not shy away from making it. His response to Mary at Cana when she told Him about the shortage of wine, with the woman at the well, in calling the Pharisees “blind guides, turning over the tables at the temple…twice. Again, a scene from The Chosen showcasing Jesus arguing with the Pharisees:
So Jesus knew when to put on the brakes but He also knew when to step on the throttle. He did not avoid confrontation in order to “get along”. When the truth needed to be spoken He did so. But always with love, forgiveness and patience. His intent was never to shame, belittle, embarrass or to get revenge.
So how do you know when to fight on and when to withdraw? I am certainly not an expert in this area. I have had my share of “knock down, drag outs” past the point of benefit.
I can say that we should never argue so much that things escalate to aggression. To physical fighting. In the scene from The Chosen above, with Jesus arguing with the Pharisees, things do escalate to the point that the Roman prefect draws his sword and inadvertently stabs and kills Rama, Thomas’ fiancé.
Also, when the debate gets to the point that the other party is no longer listening, further discussion seems to be pointless. Rational discussion can take place between highly emotional people as long as both parties remain rational. When the discussion turns to the irrational and off point, it is likely time to call it quits.
Are you capable of LISTENING during the situation. If you cannot take in and consider what the other person is saying, it is probably time to step back. My riding partner will sometimes make a suggestion of how we should manage a situation on a tour when things are not going right. During these times emotions may be high for me because I am concerned about safety, my reputation or the direction the trip is going. My instinctual response to Jim’s suggestions is often with a response of “No”. Then after about 45 minutes of considering his suggestion I will tell him, “you know, that is really a good idea”.
And what about my daughters today? Rebekah has learned to stand up for herself in combative situations and Danielle has become a very good listener. And me? Well let’s just say I am still an “FBI”…Full Blooded Italian. I’ll just leave it at that.
