She was a young mother, raising her kids alone, working hard to support the family on the rough streets of a big city.
One day, while coming home from work, she was approached by someone with a gun, looking to score some quick cash. She never made it home that day, a single bullet ended her life way too soon.
More than 20 years later, I sat at a coffee shop and listened as a young man told me the story of his mother’s murder. The killer was never found, leaving the circumstances behind her death a big mystery that was still weighing heavily on his heart.
He had grown up, gone to college, became a successful businessman and had become married and a father of three. On the outside, perfectly normal.
But for the past 20 years, he hadn’t spoken much to God, nor had he been going to Church, despite being raised a devout Catholic. He was angry, understandably. He no longer held any real expectations that his mom’s killer would ever be found.
But one thing he DID know … he would never forgive that person.
We often hear these things in our ministry … stories from those who can’t get past the tragedy of a lost spouse, or a child; the sufferings associated with cancer; the denial of justice for those who are victims of a crime.
These passions of anger, denial, un-forgiveness, revenge … they work on our souls and keep us from the desire to want God in our lives.
It has become part of the acceptable grieving process for far too many people.
Which brings us to today’s Gospel, where Jesus says one of the most harsh, un-comforting and troubling statements when he admonishes a potential follower who wants to “go first and bury my father” before following Jesus.
Our Lord’s reply: “Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead.”
That sounds so cruel. What is wrong with a son wanting to respect his father by giving him a proper burial?
As with many of the teachings of our Lord, we need to dig a little deeper – which means exploring the context of the scripture, who was the audience and what were the cultural norms of the time.
One theory on the meaning of the quote draws a distinction between the “spiritual dead” and the “physical dead,” suggesting that listeners should waste no time shedding their dead spiritual lives and seeking life by following Jesus. Perhaps, this theory suggests, the man asking this question didn’t really have a dying father, but had simply wanted to return to the home of his father to “live out a normal life” in deference and honor to his father – not a bad thing on its face, unless doing so keeps you from a relationship with God.
For example, if we skip Sunday Mass because we feel we need to be at home with our parents or loved ones at all time, then that’s a problem. If we pass on that retreat weekend or Bible study because we feel that we are too busy in our personal lives, then that can be a hurdle to a deeper relationship with God.
Despite the circumstances that God gives us, we need to maintain a balance in our life of work, play and prayer. Like a three-legged stool, we need all three of these things.
But there is another theory that has caught my eye and it has to do with the cultural burial practices at the time – a 2-part process of letting go. The people of that time would typically bury a body on the day of death so that the decomposition could begin. Then, after a very long period of mourning, there would be a “second burial” of the bones of that family member, typically with the bones of others who had gone before them.
Sometimes, those family bones were placed in elaborate places that only certain members of society could afford. This made the practice less about a period of grieving and respect and more about social status. That made me think of many of the cemeteries I’ve seen here in the U.S. where the most prominent families of a community have built elaborate family crypts among the usual headstones of the common men and women.
Given that, perhaps Jesus was telling this man that those who insist on focusing on the rituals of the dead are missing out on the truth of eternal life. Certainly, burials must happen and grieving is a natural part of coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.
But when that grieving becomes a hurdle to our relationship with God, then we have to have a radical reconsideration of what is truly important in life.
Rather than focus this reflection on the elaborate burial and grieving procedures of Jesus’s time, or even those that still exist today in some cultures, I think we should focus on other things that keep us from “burying our dead” and getting on with our lives – especially our spiritual lives.
What if my friend at the coffee shop had encountered Christ and told Him, “Lord, I will follow you some day, but not today. Not until I can get past the tragedy of losing my mother and my desire to seek revenge on the person who killed her.”
How would Jesus respond?
How long can we hold on to anger, grief, the blame and the fear of being alone, before we “bury” those things and move on with our lives and our life with God?
I know it’s not easy to forgive. But it’s also not easy to be a follower of Christ. If someone has told you that it is, they are lying – or they are missing the point.
When Christ encountered that man, he knew what was to become of him – his passion, death and resurrection. He also knew his closest followers would face the same … and we must accept that fate as well.
Stop telling Jesus that you PLAN to follow him … some day.
There are many excuses … many hurdles to overcome.
We need to decide how long we want to hold on to those things that are better off buried.
