I have a temper. There…I said it. This is not news to the people who know me well. It is a surprise, though, to those who just meet me. We can put on our best face when the situation demands it, can’t we? The thing is, when you have a temper, it is usually those who are closest to you that take the brunt of it. They are just in the danger zone more often than others, and we feel it is safe to unload on those who love us. I think because they love us we feel we can get away with it.
I am way better than I used to be. Not that this is any great accomplishment. Its like saying, I only beat my kids once a week now instead of every day. It is one of those zero tolerance behaviors. We should NEVER use our loved ones as verbal punching bags. Some sit there and take it and others leave the situation. I have never been physical. Unless you count a lawn tracker, car dashboard or the wall that got in the way of my fist.
My Father had a temper, his Father had a temper, most Italians have a temper. Not that this justifies the behavior. When I saw how anger affected my wife and kids, I realized I needed to do something about it. I remember losing my temper at my older daughter (who is very capable of going toe to toe with me) and watching my younger daughter shrink into isolation in her room. That, for me was the straw that broke the camel’s back. So, what did I do?
First, I apologized early and often. But that is like closing the barn door after the horse is out. It helps for others to know you are sorry but more is needed. Cursillo was a big step. When the focus of your life becomes more centered on Christ, other stuff tends to take a back seat. And Christ teaches us to love, which is wanting the best for the other person.
The other thing I did was to start going to confession regularly. And confessing my anger was and is right there at the top of the hit parade. It is a commonly confessed sin for me. But the thing is, the more often you go to reconciliation, the more you have to face the sin and I think it makes you stop and hesitate to commit that sin again knowing you have to fess up to the priest the next time you step into that booth.
Now, what is the worst thing about having something like a temper as a sin? Because it is directed at others. And when this happens, it puts a HUGE roadblock in between you and the person. I have often tried to rationalize and say to myself that I was right in this argument. But most of the time I knew I was not. Or, even if I was right, the relationship between me and the kids or me and my wife suffered. I could not have a normal, relaxed, truthful conversation when this issue was there between us. We moved in different worlds. Not able to share or relate. They knew it, I knew it, and God knew it.
And Isaiah knew it. In his vision from today’s first reading, he states:
“Woe is me, I am doomed!
For I am a man of unclean lips,
living among a people of unclean lips;”
He is then made clean, purified from his sin, by an angel placing an ember on his lips and telling him that he was now clean. And what is the first thing that Isaiah does when he realizes that he is forgiven? HE VOLUNTEERS! When the Lord asks “Who Shall I Send”, Isaiah jumps up immediately and says, “Here I AM. Send Me”. You can almost see him raising his hand in the air as if wanting the teacher to call on him because he knew the answer to the question. He is ready to serve because he had been made clean.
And doesn’t our relationship with God suffer when sin. We cannot face God knowing the baggage that we carry. I personally find it hard to do my daily readings and prayers when I know that my soul is not in the best place it can be in. A large rift is formed between me and Christ. I cannot face him each day in the same way I could not face my wife when I go off the deep end on her and lose my cool. I remain in the shadows. I cannot in good conscience proclaim the message of the Gospel when my soul needs a good sweeping. Who am I to preach the word when I cannot keep my own house in order?
Do not fear the one who can harm the body for the worst that could happen is death. And death is just the opening for us to return to our home in heaven. But fear the one who can take your soul. To separate you from the Lord. Because that is a death that only leads to true death. Eternal separation from God.
We don’t need to have a burning ember put on our lips. We just need to unburden our hearts in reconciliation. To unload those things that separate us from God and each other. Even if it means confessing the same thing over..and over..and over..and over (don’t worry I am not going to do that 77 times). And when we do, we can proudly stand up and say, “Here I am. Send me”.
