You have an intense argument with your husband…or wife. As you take a walk afterwards to help your head clear, you wonder, “How did we get so angry? Is our marriage in trouble? We both said things that should never have come out of our mouths.”
John Gottman, an eminent family researcher, studied couples for many years. His studies led him to what he called “The Four Horsemen of the Marital Apocalypse”—the signs that a marriage is in serious trouble. Those four horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Gottman’s definition of Criticism is “verbally attacking personality or character.” His definition of Contempt is “attacking a sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse.”
Whether at home in our families, in the middle of conflict at work, or evaluating leaders in the news, criticism and contempt are real. Such expressions are destructive to both individuals and relationships. How do we deal with them? Our readings today give us some guidance.
David
As we saw last week, David has been pushing the boundaries of his “beloved” status with God. His sins keep mounting. In today’s first reading, Absalom, his now adult son, has raised up armies against him. David and his armies are fleeing from Absalom and his armies. A man comes up and runs along with them, saying some very insulting things to David.
David responds in a surprising way, “’Let him alone and let him curse, for the LORD has told him to. Perhaps the LORD will look upon my affliction and make it up to me with benefits for the curses he is uttering this day.’ David and his men continued on the road, while Shimei kept abreast of them on the hillside, all the while cursing and throwing stones and dirt as he went.”
Jesus
Today Jesus is on the far side of the Sea of Galilee in the land of the Gerasenes. Scholars tell us that, while there were Jews living there, the population was mostly Gentile. The large herd of swine is a clear indication of that. The Jews did not eat pork. There is a man there who is possessed by unclean spirits. He is well known in the neighborhood. He is so strong, even chains and shackles cannot subdue him. He lives “among the tombs” and must have been frightening to the community.
Jesus sees him, perceives the unclean spirits, and tells the spirit to come out of the man. As he does, the man utters some critical, contemptuous words at Jesus, “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I adjure you by God, do not torment me!”
Jesus sends the spirits into the swine, causing them to self-destruct. Jesus and the man then have normal conversation. But the people of the region are frightened and ask Jesus to leave.
What We Might Learn
I love it when the wisdom of Scripture and the results of science match. Our God is an orderly God! Gottman proposes antidotes for habits of each of the Four Horsemen of doom in a marriage. He suggests the antidote of what he calls “Gentle Start Up” to conversations that are likely to be conflictual. In Gentle Start Up, you talk about feelings and positive needs, rather than begin with blame or attack.
The antidote for Contempt is “a Culture of Appreciation,” consistently naming the good things about the other person and expressing how much they are treasured. The antidote for Defensiveness is “Taking Responsibility” for actions…and saying “I’m sorry” or making up for actions or words that are hurtful. For Stonewalling, the antidote is “Physiological Self-Soothing,” doing something when attacked to reduce your own stress…rather than closing down and refusing to engage.
All these antidotes are versions of what David and Jesus did in today’s readings and what Gottman recommends: They responded to evil with good.
It seems to me that both David and Jesus responded to attacks with an antidotal attitude. Neither responded to criticism and contempt by throwing back at the other person shaming or attacking comments.
While both RECOGNIZED the criticism and contempt coming at them as something that was destructive and hurtful, neither returned evil with evil. Both returned good for evil.
The Struggles of That
Reading today’s scriptures, that sounds like a relatively easy thing to do.
It isn’t easy for me.
I can remember only one time in my life when I suffered something like what David suffered in today’s reading. I had spoken at a public hearing. Several friends took offense at what I said—not because they saw what I said as wrong, but because I did not use the opportunity to say what they would have said. Afterwards, in the street, they surrounded me and berated me soundly. I remember afterwards being about as angry as I have ever been. My anger cooled, of course, but the incident left a wound in me…that still pops up more than 30 years later to cloud my thinking in similar situations.
Looking at today’s first reading, I realize that I have not fully forgiven them.
Ouch! But thank you, Lord. That’s something I needed to see.
Criticism, Contempt, and Culture
I began to consider all these things after listening to an interview with Dr. Arthur Brooks through Bishop Barron’s Word on Fire. Dr. Brooks is an economist. He talked about the “economics of the heart.” His basic thesis in the interview is that economic or political systems are not the enemies in our culture. The enemy is the evil (evil spirit?) that holds grudges and responds with contempt and criticism to others—be they taunting us, giving us Truth we need to hear, competing with us in business or politics, or just throwing verbal stones and dirt. Dr. Brooks has written a new book with an interesting title, Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from a Culture of Contempt. The descriptions of the book make it sound like a very interesting read. I have ordered it.
Meanwhile, I need to pray. Do you?
Prayer for Today
Lord, You show me today a place in my heart that needs Your “casting out.” While I do not respond to Criticism and Contempt by throwing back the mud that’s slung, I also don’t always do what David and Jesus did and what John Gottman recommends: respond to evil with deliberate goodness. I have recognized AGAIN that old wounds make me hunker down to endure such things—but, honestly, with contemptuous thoughts in my heart and stonewalling behaviors. Lead me and guide me, Lord, through this prayer, through reading, through self-examination, to let go of what needs to be let go of and “fully clothe” myself with Your behaviors, Your ability to love Your enemies, Your ability to overcome evil with good.
