I paid a visit to an old friend last week and during conversation as I mentioned how I managed to get to confession during the pandemic before my birthday or during Lent, I was given a sarcastic reply from one person in the room about ” Have you committed that many sins?” followed by laughter. I responded with an honest “yes!!” still trying to figure out why it was funny!
As many of my non believer friends are shocked and in disbelief that I would make an attempt to attend sunday mass wherever I could find a chance, and never could understand how confessing my sins to a human priest ( from the scandalous catholic church) make me new and clean, even I started doubting it over time.
While I stood at mass or knelt to the priest whispering my sins ( hoping no one around in line would hear them)I felt so much calm, the relief when the priest pardoned my mistakes and explained everything I doubted so calmly and even guided me many a times. It made me feel human and blessed at the same time. I realised my or any persons relationship with God and Jesus is a personal one, where one does not owe anyone but the lord explanations and answers for the thoughts, words and deeds.
As I read the daily Gospel,
But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is long delayed,’
and begins to beat his fellow servants,
and eat and drink with drunkards,
the servant’s master will come on an unexpected day
and at an unknown hour and will punish him severely
and assign him a place with the hypocrites,
where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.”
I began to wonder what if that wicked servant apologised for his mistakes and errors every time and made efforts to improve but seemed futile.. would he be forgiven ? would he still be grinding his teeth and crying out? I do not have the answer but I do know from the little I read and understand of my faith, that I have a chance every time I own up to my errors and make amends despite the consequences of my actions which will remind me enough of my guilt!
I do not know if I empathized with the wicked servant who is caught cause FOMO!!! YOLO!! or is it cause I m worried not many understand how I must live according to the Lord and the faith! As a gynecologist everyday I am faced with queries about why I am pro life in case of sexual assault and jobs turned down because I refuse to perform medical termination of pregnancies. As a christian I am repeatedly asked why I do not despise the church for all the scandals hidden and the homophobia within. And constantly having to explain my faith to people I work or are friends with can be extremely exhausting! To think of it, I believe in the teachings of my Lord, I am trying very hard everyday despite the numerous situations to be a faithful catholic with my love extended for everyone equally and treat my patients with no judgement whatsoever!
I believe that I have to stay awake in this world of sleepless nights and hustling days, awake in my faith and not be bogged down by the questions thrown my way or doubts in my mind! But raise them to Lord with my daily prayer. Today I have moments where I hesitate to agree with the church and times I feel like a hypocrite while typing some reflections here, but HE knows I am trying hard to stay awake every day and night…. and I hope you do too!!
Prayer:
Dearest Lord, as I stand before you doubting everything I know, and hear, I ask for strength through these times and courage to find a voice to answer to those who dont! I ask you to help me and guide me in every decision I make personal or professional to believe in you and your plan and help me stay awake through it all to reach my goal of my soul meeting you!
AMEN!
